‘I sink; therefore I swim’ by Des C Artes*

 

Twas in tha year of foorty foor
We wa engulfed in a terribul war
Tha ma moother suffered ta give birth
Ta a bairn wha wor a spirited youth
Ah soon learned ta fend fer meself
An knew a wee wash wa good fer ma health
Ba I didna expect ta be throon in tha burn
Afore I bin geen a chance ta learn
Twas all ah cood do ta survive
Aye a miracle I coom out alive
Tha wor ma first lesson
Neva forget tha ma son
Was tha comfort from ma ole man
Any trubble an I’ll toss yee in agan
So ah learned reel quick
Fa fear I’d be chooked in tha slick
Aye an left ta droon
In tha dark all aloon
Ah had na time fer fancy thoughts
Twas too busy hangin on ta ma shorts
I were a wee lad an orful shy
Didna wan no lass ta see ma winky
An ever since I’ve had tha itch
Roond ma scrotals from tha ditch
God only noos wa were in tha slime
Aye an I wor init many a time
Thas hoo ah tried ta learn ta swim
Ta keep ma head above tha filthy rim
So ya can see hoo it can mark a man
Ah neva recoovered na one can
So when ah saw a swimmin pool
Ah hadna draws na gogs na tool
I only knew wa ma dad had din
So ah foond a lad an chooked him in
Afor ya cood say Och Aye
I wa grabbed by tha securitay
An throon ooot on ma head
In the boosh an left fer dead
As yer can see I were reet traumatised
Twere worse tha being circumcised
Och ma grannies dun wa tha sheep shears
An too ma eyes tha memory brings tears
An wen I had ma first indoor paddle
Ah couldna stop maself had ta piddle
Aye agin I wor yanked oot
An shooted at an givin tha boot
Ah tried agin in tha poond in yon park
Twere mighty coold an dark
Ah froze ma goolies turned blue
An coodna shoot fer help noo
Aye ah were close ta death
It twere ma last breath
Tha wa na time fer philosophisin
Ah didna see ma life passin
All ah noo ah still coodna float
Ba a great black dog got me ba tha throat
Aye an saved ma skin
Thas tha story of ma swimmin
It danna work fer me
As all yon readers well cood see
As ta ma wurds a wisdoom
Dunna go near ta water twill be yer doom

Donald McGonagall
Writer in Residence
Dundee Municipal Cemetery

* Des C Artes.  The 17thC. French eccentric & acrobat, inventor of the cartewheel who, with his partner civile Rene, introduced skinny dipping ( Le plangeon tout nu) to Deauville Society.

Des C Artes (aka Mike Cornford) warms his toes with the famous historian Daniel Kirmatzis.

Cold Water Swimming Guide from South London Swimming Club

Setting off on a cold length at Tooting Bec Lido - 2.5 degrees C

If you fancy a dip during the current cold snap, it might be worth taking stock before you jump in. There’s an excellent Guide to Safe Cold Water Swimming at South London Swimming Club’s blog for the UK Cold Water Swimming Championships 2011 (http://coldwater2011.posterous.com). It’s a good guide looking after yourself and your fellow swimmers while enjoying a bracing dip.

Entering the water through powder snow

Swim Questionnaire – Olivia Palmer

Olivia Palmer, swimming in Turkey

Olivia Palmer, 35, works in conference research and development. She swims in the the River Dart, the sea in South Devon, or ‘anywhere I can!’  She and husband Stuart are on a mission to find Devon’s most ’delightful dips’ and you can find out where these are by visiting their Devonshire Dippers blog. 

Why do you swim?

It makes me feel calm, happy and normal

How did you learn to swim?

My dad taught me

Tell us one of your early memories of swimming?

Suddenly becoming the fastest swimmer in my lane (graded lanes) at Otters when I was 8

What’s the best swim you ever had?

There are two, the first early morning swim I had in the Aeolian Islands with the most wonderful man I have ever met, I knew it then and I’d only known him 3 days and I know it now and I’m married to him. The second was on October 31st in 2008 in the Avon, freezing cold 6.30am and the same man asked me to marry him, on one knee in the river. Amazing!!!

Stu and I having our compulsory kiss during the Palmer Dart Swim this year.

What is the worst swim you ever had?

Oh so many in Dover harbour!!!!

Where is the most unusual place you have swum?

A lake half way up Snowdon when we actually swum in clouds. Late September and it was very cold, heaven!

What do you think about when you are swimming?

My husband, swimming the channel and how I feel in the water

What do you take from swimming and apply in your everyday life?

That it is possible to be good at something if you want to be and it is also possible to do something purely to enjoy it

What do you take from your everyday life and consign to the water?

Sometimes people aren’t thinking about anything apart from themselves and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, infact it can be encouraging

What has swimming taught you about life?

Being calm and not judging others makes life easier

What swimming ambitions do you have?

To swim as often as possible, all through the year in as many wonderful places as possible. Perhaps to try the channel again but not for a while

Have you ever got into trouble in the water and what happened?

Yes, fainted and Stu and another swimmer helped me to the side of the harbour. I’ve also been stuck in waves, which scared me

Best ‘skinny dip’ or ‘midnight swim’?

Skinny dipping is always brilliant! I don’t have a best one, if it’s being done good times are being had!

If you had a swimming wish, what would it be?

That I’d walked out of the water in France and that I could swim with my husband more often

What tips would you offer other swimmers?

Just enjoy it!

What’s your favourite saying?

Live and let live